Well….there’s no better time than now to blog about this topic. It haunts me every moment of my life, it consumes entire days at times, taking precious moments away from this short life I have been given. How do we overcome, fear, anxiety, worries? Here’s the best I can come up with…..some good meds, a good therapist, and Jesus! At least that’s all I’m going on right now! I have been troubled with anxiety for most of my adult life, starting right at about the age of 18. Family illnesses that lead to death, failures through college and jobs, divorces, terrible coping methods, I’ve been through some pretty traumatic events. So many you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. So many that I feel as if it’s just going to forever be a part of my everyday life. I’m not trying to say that everyone doesn’t have their trials and struggles, but I feel I’ve gotten the lion’s share. Used to, I would have said that in a feeling sorry for myself kind of way, but now I’m learning that all of these things have made me who I am, and is my strength. And I’m slowly becoming okay with that.
Right now my strength is tremendous. I cannot fathom how one person, one family even, can hold it together the way I/we have managed, but I’ve always been able to muster up some kind of Hulk-like, ‘twilight zone’ mode to get myself through the toughest of situations. Years ago, I would have never been able to explain how, or why, I am able to be the strong one, but now I finally get it. And years ago, during every trial, you would hear me curse the Lord, asking, crying, pleading to know, ‘Why?….Why me, why my family, haven’t I repaid my sins already, when will enough be enough?’ But now I get it. I get it all. It doesn’t mean I like it, but the sense of relief I feel seeing it all come together and the understanding that has been placed upon me is overwhelming. And undeniable that it’s come from the Lord.
First, let’s get something straight. I AM IN NO WAY SAYING I AM NOT ANXIOUS OR FEARFUL. Spend less than one minute talking to me, or heck, just take a look at me and you can see that I am filled with it. But the way I can manage it now is, literally, a godsend. The last year of my life was literally HELL. We all know what struggles we’ve went through with Lincoln, but as I’ve said before, Lincoln was sent to me from OUR savior, to be MY savior. To be completely honest, I had such a detachment with Lincoln towards the end of my pregnancy and during the first few weeks of his life, all because of fear. I feared so badly that I would lose him. I was so fearful that I lived in a fog of ‘what ifs’ that I missed the joy and happiness of my new baby boy. I was robbed by fear.
As I type this, I’m sitting at home in my basement, with all my boys playing upstairs, that I’ve missed so badly this week. I’ve spent the last week and a half in the hospital with my mother, who is extremely ill. It started with a small wound, which has turned into a multitude of health issues and a few close calls we all could have done without. It will likely lead to one surgery after another, weeks of hospital stays, and a possible amputation, which would then require months of rehabilitation. Am I fearful? Of course. How could one not be? But here’s the difference in life as a Christian, and life as not. I AM NO LONGER CONSUMED by that fear. God knows we will always have worry, be scared, anxious, grieving, etc., but that is all just part of his divine plan. It is in those times that he reaches out and is begging for us to draw near to him. Do you think Jesus wasn’t fearful during his persecution? Pretty sure he was. But I bet he had a peace within him knowing that God, his father, was right there next to him. God never leaves us. Sometimes it is so hard to feel his presence, especially when we are overwhelmed and consumed by our fears and anxieties. And sometimes, much to the pleasure of the devil, we forget to ask God to draw near to us. We forget He is there. Already, waiting for us to need Him. Yet we often curse His name, and question His plan. But there is such a simple solution….just ask. Ask for comfort, peace, strength, healing, whatever it is you need, as you will receive it. As Christians, we were given that grace and mercy, to ‘ask and ye shall receive’. Sometimes I feel like I’m asking for too much, but God knows my needs and will sustain me according to His plan. Never before have I been able to feel the comfort and peace I do now, even with everything my family and I are going through, but all I did was ask. We also must not forget to give thanks and praise, even during our troubled times. For the longest time I had left that part out, and boy what a difference it makes.
I am scared and saddened that MY precious son has to endure what he has and will have to in the future, but I am still so thankful that we were chosen to be his parents. I thank God for his health, for his half of a working heart, and that he is happy. I am scared and saddened for my mother, who has watched her brother and sister slowly deteriorate and pass from the same disease she is fighting, but I am thankful that she has pulled through thus far already. I am thankful that even though she may lose her foot, she will otherwise be alive and healthy. One thing we’ve been saying since all this started is that if our little Lincoln can live with half a heart, she can live with half a leg! We’ll buy her the fanciest new prosthesis out there, and with that we will continue on. Not to mention that all the kids are gonna think their Nanny is the coolest, with a robot-like, Iron Man leg or foot! I am scared and saddened for my Dad, who’s entire world is my mother. Their love is so deep that it is truly inspiring. And for that I am thankful. As I said, I still have my fears and anxieties, but thankfully I have learned to let the Lord help me carry some of its weight. He is right beside me each night I sleep on the futon in the ICU, He is right beside my mother in her ICU bed, He is right beside my Dad, who sleeps on the couch downstairs because he can’t stand to sleep without my mother. He is right beside Lincoln in his crib, beside my boys in their bunks, beside John on the rig. Isn’t that just amazing? HE is with us all, all the time.
I cannot close out this post without mention of a song that has given me strength here lately. It’s by Casting Crowns, a popular Christian band, and is called ‘Just Be Held’. I listen to it often and its words could not be more true, and are exactly the words I need to hear right now. I’ll just leave some of the lyrics here. Maybe they are just the words someone else needs to hear right now for the same comfort I’ve asked for.
Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong. But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you hanging on. And when you’re tired of fighting, chained by your control, there’s freedom in surrender. Lay it down and let it go.
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held. You’re worlds not falling apart its falling into place. I’m on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held. Just be held, just be held.
fearfully made; half-heartedly 